Once a Nerd Ch. 12 - Sex Stories

Once a Nerd Ch. 12

... I mumble around another mouthful of noodles. "I know Dean put you up to it."

"So, um, not to be nosy, but...how'd—?" John glances towards the door, as if Dean might hear a slandering word through the brick. "How'd you guys...happen?"

"Mm, I'm...not really sure." I admit, shrugging. "Dean just...decided it would, and I couldn't sincerely push him away. I tried creating some distance." I swing my hand through the air meaningfully.

John blinks owlishly, brows firmly lodged halfway to his widow's peak. "By...enrolling at Berkeley."

"Yup."

John closes his eyes, shakes his head, and huffs a little laugh. "That's crazy, man."

It is. It's fucking crazy. Dean violently altered the course of his future on my account. He could've gone to a PAC12 school, somewhere he'd get more recognition.

"I'm still...sort of waiting for him to shake out of it, y'know? Let all this go, move on."

I'm not sure what compels me to break out one of my greatest insecurities. Maybe the alcohol. Maybe John's nondescript demeanor has something to do with it, like spilling your guts to an anonymous username in a chatroom. John, however, has a strange look on his face. Confused by what I've just said, but coming into an understanding of something separate.

"I...would be very, very surprised if that happens."

"You...would?"

"I've only known him for a few months, but, well—" He twists his mouth thoughtfully, as if there's something profound he wants to express. "Even today, during ...

... the game. He hides it well, but he's...he'sbored, all the time. By everything. The only time I've ever seen a genuine side of Dean, before now, was on the phone with you. Heenjoys football, I think. He likes being good at it, but even then, I wouldn't call it a passion. He'd make due without it, y'know? But, with you—"

I drink in his words and try not to wear their impact on my face. Dean won't, or can't, make due without me? Is that the implication? There's an undeniable truth to what John's saying, because I remember that version of Dean. The first few months after we'd met, when his attention was little more than the occasional wolfish stare, he did often seem...bored. He's good at putting up a front with others, assimilating into the behavior of those around him, and perhaps he's been doing that for much longer than I realized. When I'd see him laughing in a circle of friends, schmoozing a girl into a romp under the bleachers, disrupting a class with wisecracks—

How much of that was...real? Did any of it stir him? Was there ever a moment he was genuinely happy or excited to partake in the banality of adolescent ritual?

Not just the good feelings, but the bad ones too: irritation, anger, anxiety, sadness. Before the break, I can't recall anything like that. He was operating on this...default mode. It never occurred to me howdifferent he is now, or that he might've become that way during his relentless pursuit of a sexual relationship with me. He's always expressed ...