February Sucks for Walter Mitty - Sex Stories

February Sucks for Walter Mitty

... like he's cold or something."

Red let out a cough that sounded sort of like a chuckle. "Naw, Jimmy. It doesn't get cold in hell."

Jimmy Dufresne shoveled his snow and smiled his enigmatic smile as he thought about the poster of Rita Hayworth hanging in his cell, fluttering in an ice-cold draft...

It's fair to say that, by mid-February, even my daydreams were a little grim.

Tapping my snow shovel on Linda's bumper, I cast a baleful glare at the sticker she had put there: "A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle."Fucking Gloria Steinem.

Look, I understand Steinem's little rallying cry: Humans basically NEED food, shelter, air and--at least in Buffalo in February--a really warm coat. Love, romance and sex, not so much. They're not necessary for survival, nor for defining yourself as an independent being in the world. But, Jesus, you're starting your negotiations with "I don't need you"? I mean, imagine opening a work meeting by saying "I don't need any of you fuckers." True or not, it gives the impression that you're not committed to making the relationship work.

When Linda put the sticker on her car, I had a couple of dozen printed up that said "A Man Needs a Woman Like a Lobster Needs a Chainsaw," and slapped one on the rear end of my Ford Expedition. I think she got the point, but missed the irony.

Truth be told, Linda's kind of irony resistant. I mean, she's smart, loving, and has a great sense of humor, but she sometimes gets caught up in the ...

... catchphrases. "The future is female." "My body, my choice." "Carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man." "A woman's place is in the House... and the Senate."

It's not that I completely disagree with her slogans--although "The future is female" really pisses me off. I'm all for bodily autonomy, equal pay, equal political power, and equal opportunity. I'm proud of my mom and grandma, both of whom went to college, built great careers, and struggled with prejudice in the workplace. And, as the father of a little girl, I'd challenge anyone who tries to deny Emma ANY opportunities. At all. Seriously, if the kid wants to be a welder, I'm buying her an acetylene torch.

But the us-versus-them sound bites tended to creep into Linda's way of looking at the world. Sometimes, instead of seeing herself as an advocate for equality, she acted more like a suicide bomber on the front lines of a battle between the sexes, desperate to show that she was a completely independent woman who wouldn't bend to the needs ofany man. As the nearest man at hand--and the guy who sometimes had to ask her to bend to the needs of our family--it sometimes felt like I was being forced into the role of opponent, not ally.

Plus the joking/not joking "I hate boys" crap got on my nerves. That kind of fake feminism started going out of style close to a decade ago, but don't tell Linda that. Seriously, don't tell her--I've tried, and it's no fun being in the position of mansplaining feminism to ...